Review by BigBadWolfBoy
A few minutes into Drive-Thru , the 2007 horror-comedy effort by directors Brendan Cowles and Shane Kuhn, I said to myself (or possibly I said it out loud), “Aww yeah! Looks like Avril and the Pussycats versus a Killer Klown from Outer Space! Let the Unholy Rumble commence!” It could have been goofy fun. Too bad the rest of the movie didn’t live up to that potential.
Avril (actually the character’s name is MacKenzie Carpenter, but whatever, she’s goddamned Avril) is a 17-year old hottie who fronts a hard-rockin’ chick band, sneers at everyone she doesn’t like as a sort of warm-up to the moment when she growls and spits the word “Republican!” at them in an accusatory manner, and seems to enjoy constantly reminding her vaguely effeminate, lipstick-wearing boyfriend that he only has to wait a few more days before she hits 18- at which point she’ll let him ‘turn on her heartlight’, if you know what I mean. Sorry, I was drowing in Avril’s over-the-top ‘Anarchy! Hell yeah! In yer face if you can’t handle it, Mr. Republican! Wooo! Anarchy!’ schtick, and so I needed to balance it out with a little Neil.
Avril also has either psychic powers which manifest by sending her cryptic messages via toys (Magic 8-Ball, Etch-a-Sketch, etc), or a spirit guide that’s contacting her through those selfsame toys. Hell, maybe it’s the killer who’s contacting her- the movie never gives us an answer.
Turns out there’s some nasty business going down at Hellaburger. Kids are getting hacked up, which is nice because not only is that sort of an integral part of the whole ‘slasher movie’ thing, but also because EVERY single character in the movie is an obnoxious, annoying prick, and so watching them get done harm is quite enjoyable. Probably the best part of the movie.
Okay, I take that back. The best part of the movie is actually the design of the killer. Take a look at the mask on the poster. It’s like someone ripped off the plastic head from a drive-thru speaker and evil-ed it up. The killer’s voice even sounds like it’s coming out of a speaker, which is a nice touch. Add to that the fact that he’s wearing an Evel Knievel-type plastic jumpsuit with friggin’ flames on it, and that he’s hefting and making bloody good use of a wicked-looking meat cleaver, and that the bastard is fast and vicious for a change (no lumbering from this one) and you’ve got the makings of quite a cool killer.
But then Cowles and Kuhn ruin the effect by calling him goddamn ‘Horny the Clown’! Sorry, that’s just dumb. And guys, if you’re going to make him a wisecracking slasher, at least give him one-liners that don’t suck the biggest, hariest balls ever to dangle from betwixt the forested thighs of bad taste. And it’s not even bad taste, really. It’s ‘boring taste’ or ‘lame taste’ or ‘unbelievably not-so-funny taste’.
Anyway, Horny dices him some teenagers. Avril soon realizes that there is connection between herself and the kids getting killed. Cops get involved. Morgan Spurlock gets a half-amusing/half-painfully-awkward cameo as a Hellaburger employee. I get anxious for the movie to end quickly.
It ain’t horrible. The movie looks good. Outside of one embarrassing CGI kill, the film is shot well. A few jokes made me chuckle, just not often and not very loudly. I covered my face with my hands and sighed a lot more than I laughed.
We never really get the scoop on what the hell Horny the Clown is, either. Oh, we found out who he was years earlier in his life, but we never find out exactly what he has become. I’m not asking for a diagnostic breakdown of his cellular structure here- just tell me if he’s a ghost, or a demon, or a possessed corpse. Anything.
The acting varies in quality. Leighton Meester does a fine (and hot) job as Avril, even though the character she’s asked to play is bitter and unlikeable. Her teen co-stars, though, fail to stand out in any way. On the adult side, Melora Hardin, from The Office , is on hand to lend some credibility as Avril’s mom, Larry Joe Cambell made me at least crack a semblance of a smile as Detective Crockers, and B-Movie vet Sean Whalen shows up as creepy janitor Lenny, if only for a few fun moments.
With Drive-Thru, Cowles and Kuhn show that they have some skill as filmmakers. With a tighter script and some better action, this could have been a great comedic horror fest. As it is, it left me smacking my forehead and muttering about missed opportunities. Keep on driving past this train wreck, is what I say.
