Bloody Mamas: The Real Mothers of Tears by Brian Kirst
It’s the magazine covers and interviews on the evening news. Its gowns and glamour and the gasping rip of the envelope as it’s opened. Then – well, before you know it – it’s all over and done. So, where exactly do you wander when Oscar stops calling? If you’re Marisa Tomei (Best Supporting Actress, "My Cousin Vinny"; Nominee, "In the Bedroom"), Elisabeth Shue (Nominee, "Leaving Las Vegas") or Julie Delpy (Nominee, "After Sunset" – Original Screenplay) you head directly to DVD with some moribund child based fright flicks. Of course, as every good blood hound knows, that’s when the real award season begins. So, drag your jagged scalpels and surgical greens out of their dusty closets and prepare to dissect some doomed offenders. Then – when all the broken bones have been re-set and the cartilage is through snapping, we will rise up, triumphantly, to crown the true mothers of tears.
Danika. 2006. First Look Pictures.
Marisa Tomei is Danika – and she is crazy! Despite her seemingly supportive, thick wasted hubby and marvelous assortment of kids she still envisions bloody disasters everywhere. Even her attractive therapist can’t help her. Of course if her therapist was of any assistance we would miss out on all the good and bloody stuff in the movie. Danika imagines a violent robbery at her workplace and witnesses her daughter’s teacher "Suspira"-like encounter with a falling plane of glass. Her teen son’s (an impressive Kyle Gallner) girlfriend morphs into a bubbling wasteland of disease and her co-shoppers at a media warehouse suddenly disappear like they have a case of bad Asian horror film fever. Ultimately many of the effects are truly creepy and a scene involving broken glass and bare toes will have every able footed patron experiencing a wince. Still, this is one of those fever dream offerings with twists and turns that gallop through time and it often leaves many a shaken head and raised eyebrow. Things do wrap at the end with a psychologically based conclusion and Tomei has truly come into herself, physically, giving her shaken, compassionate character her all. Still, if 10 eggs thrown at this baby on Halloween means it’s a turd and 1 egg tossed means it’s a keeper – then this puppy is somewhere in the middle. Give it 5 eggs and a napkin to clean up with afterwards.
Winner: Marisa Tomei – Best "Hey, I Got My Name Above the Title-Crazy Ass Act" Award.
First Born. 2007. First Look Pictures
Elisabeth Shue is Laura, a former dancer and mother, who begins to experience ghostly occurrences, related to her newborn daughter, in her home in the suburbs. First Look Pictures, who distribute this opus, meanwhile, are just out and out liars. They advertise this physiological horror as something of an "Omen" take-off, going so far as to use an upside down cross for the "t" in title. If you can get past that, though, director Isaac Webb does create a decent mood here and a fairly palpable sense of dread. You truly wonder whether Laura is going crazy or if her baby is really a victim of some rampaging curse. Subtle clues are planted, from the beginning, to document Laura’s unstableness. She eventually comes off as compulsive and unreachable and Shue’s slightly blank faced portrayal greatly helps to signify Laura’s lack of emotional grounding. In fact, I was so busy trying to figure out where the story was heading that the ‘shock’ ending actually took me somewhat by surprise. Otherwise, supporting actress Kathleen Chalfant gets high marks as a misunderstood nanny while Blair Brown cameos, effectively, as Laura’s own coolly distant mommy terrible. Despite myself, I was still thinking about this flick days later. So Webb and crew do actually come up with some effective goods here. It’s a little bit of the creepy, a little bit of the unexpected and no regrets about wasted time – so I’d lob 3 eggs at this beagle and then kiss it on the forehead to apologize afterwards.
Winner: Elizabeth Shue – Best "Hey, This Sucks! I’m Leaving Acting to Play Tennis" Award.
The Legend of Lucy Keyes. 2006. MTI Home Video
This one has a rocking cool cast – The beguiling Euro-babe Julie Delpy ("An American Werewolf in Paris", "Killing Zoë") as a grieving young mother, exotic Justin Theroux ("Mulholland Drive", "American Psycho") as her supportive husband, the legendary (in my mind, at least) Brooke Adams ("Dead Zone", "Invasion of the Body Snatchers") as a suspiciously supportive politico and the rockin’ Mark Boone Junior ("Dead Birds", "Frankenfish" and the tortured cop in "2 Fast 2 Furious") as a balls to the wall crazy neighbor. Writer/director John Stimpson begins this tale "inspired by truth" at a steady pace – building mystery and ghostly happenings with aplomb. The last half hour of this supernatural exercise, concerning a young ghost trying to free herself of her earthly chains, proceeds mundanely, though, with little originality or excitement. Delpy is fine – if somewhat miscast- but watching her stumble around with wide eyed concern does not make for an evening of extreme scintillation. Boone and Adams bring it home, though, and this probably would have been a bit more interesting with them as the focus. Still, there is some major ghostly wind action, flashbacks of a vengeful, throat slashing pioneer mother and a ridiculously sappy theme song – so I’ll roll 4 eggs at this Fido and someone can slap me on the back and call me a good guy later!
Winner: Julie Delpy – Best "Hey, Look at me! I’m a cool French Chick Slumming" Award
