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Would You Survive a Horror Film? Personality is Everything

So maybe you and a group of your friends decide to visit a run-down campsite/old cabin/abandoned asylum for whatever reason. Or you’re having a perfectly normal day when a pesky zombie apocalypse/population-decimating virus throws you together with a group of survivors. The question is: would you survive? If there is anything I’ve learned from horror films, it is that no one is safe, but there are certainly people who are safer than others. So next time you find yourself identifying with a character, be it a classic 80s slasher or new movie release for 2012, just make a note of how long they last.


8) The Token Minority – Now, I’m not saying horror movies are racist, but it doesn’t seem like they’re trying too hard to integrate things. The fact is, if you find yourself amongst a group of friends/survivors and you happens to be the only African-American/Latino/Asian or happen to have crutches, a wheelchair or just happen to be overweight compared to everyone else, chances are, you’re not going to last long. For some reason the more homogenous the group, the better chances for survival. We’re often told that being different is a good thing – but when is comes to survivability in horror films, it’s pretty much a death sentence.

7) The Loner – Do you find yourself on the outside looking in? You know, marching to the beat of your own drummer, doing things your own way, probably exuding an air of collective cool while doing it. Sometimes breaking from the group seems like the best idea – sometimes the group is made up of a bunch of morons (keep reading for some examples) but going it alone will only get you so far and eventually, no matter how much of a bad-ass you think you are, it will catch up to you. Plus, the it seems to the worst idea in any horror movie is to split up – so if you’re already an outsider, you’ve got a strike against you already. As much as it might hurt to make friends, you’ll find it a life saver.

6) The Substance Abuser – Pick your poison: alcohol, doobie smoking, nose candy – a combination of all the above – one thing that signals doom seems to be recreational and/or reckless use of controlled substances. And if you’re insane enough to mix it with sex, you might as well just forget about making it to the halfway point, let alone a sequel. You have to bring your A-game to surviving an nigh-unstoppable killer and clouding your judgment and reaction time with drugs is just a recipe for disaster. What you do in your free time is none of my business, but if you want to up your chances of survival, leave the party behind.

5) The Know-It-All – Not ever horror film features this character, but when one shows up, you know it usually doesn’t end well. This is the guy (or gal) who seems to realize they’re in a horror movie – their advice most likely goes unheeded or laughed off because obviously nothing like that could happen, right? Just like poor Cassandra – they can predict the outcome but are doomed to be ignored. Or, even worse, know a little too much and are done away with before they can spill the beans. Because nothing ruins a good horror movie then spoiling the ending.

4) The Comedian – There’s always a time for fun and games, but usually when you’re fearing for your life, it might be best to tone things down a little. Practical jokes are especially in danger – as jumping out of a closet or from under a bed is just begging to die horribly in a similar matter later, leading to your friends thinking you’re just pulling their leg again only to have your head comically roll off your shoulders. Bringing a little levity to the situation can be welcome, but pushing it too far is just begging to kiss your life goodbye.

3) The Reluctant Leader – After a few people start dropping, eventually someone steps up to take on a leadership role. Unfortunately. they don’t always have the best ideas. Like splitting up the group or deciding that exploring the dark, cavernous basement/attic/cave is the best idea. If you find yourself stepping up to the plate but not quite knowing exactly what to do, stop, take a deep breath and let some other would-be hero sign their death warrant. I’m not saying you can’t have some initiative, but think things through before you decide to check out some random noise you just heard down the hall.

2) The Insufferable Prink / Raging Bitch – Every movie has a character that people actually cheer for when they die. Usually they survive way too long – the ones who are abusive – both physically and mentally – words can cut just as much as a knife. Do a lot of people around you often say “I wish you were dead” – even if they’re half-joking… it still means they’re half-serious. If you continually rub people the wrong way – or are simply being a jerk for the sake of things – you’re going to meet a gristly end, and, even worse, not one’s going to feel bad about it.

1) The Skeptic – Woe to the non-believer. Those who say “There’s nothing out there… and I’ll prove it.” “There’s not a monster in the basement/closet/woods. I’ll investigate and make sure” “There’s not such thing as ghosts/zombies/vampires/werewolves/(insert other horrible thing here).” Often the skeptic is an authority figure: a parent, officer of the law, doctor – but not always. Sometimes the skeptic is just a regular person who refuse to wrap their head around the paranormal or simply the horror of the situation. They can convince themselves that nothing is wrong and things are perfectly normal, but I guarantee you, if they try to prove themselves right, they will wind up dead. So, if you find yourself in a seemingly improbably situation, don’t doubt things, just go with it and pray things turn out for the best.

There are plenty of other archetypes to pick from, so don’t think you’re off the hook if you can’t identify with any of the above. Pretty girls, prudes, the tease, the jock – all those roles you thought you left behind, and maybe a new role you picked up – you can probably find yourself in the lineup. My advice? Be as nondescript as possible – don’t draw any attention and go with the flow, until the time comes to make a stand, then go balls-out and hopefully live to fight another day (Lord knows the unstoppable killer will be back for another round).

Chris Kava is the Community Manager for FilmCrave.com and he knows so much about surviving a zombie attack he would most likely be the first one bitten and die from the irony of it all.

Mitchell Wells

Founder and Editor in Chief of Horror Society. Self proclaimed Horror Movie Freak, Tech Geek, love indie films and all around nice kinda guy!!

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