TRUE: In 1916, a lone shark (or multiple) killed five people between Matawan and Beach Haven, New Jersey. Sea Side, New Jersey is located somewhere near the middle of the two cities. The novel and future film adaption of Jaws was inspired by the real life events that happened in New Jersey in 1916.
FALSE: MTV’S “The Jersey Shore” contains lovable characters, themes about working hard, and people generally want to see the cast members succeed.
It was only a matter of time before the giant success that is “The Jersey Shore” received some sort of feature film adaption. Who knew it would be pinning them against giant white sharks? In imagination land, the sharks that killed all those people in 1916 were giant, albino bull sharks who were drawn to the shores of New Jersey by underwater drilling. In the present day, underwater drilling has resumed and attracted the same sharks believed to have become extinct a hundred years ago. When one of the “Jersey Shore” cast members go missing, the cast of guidos and guidettes discover it’s because of the sharks. The police don’t believe them and the rich locals just want them to get eaten anyway. So the cast members of America’s #1 reality show take matters into their own hands. It’s guidos vs sharks.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack is directed by John Shepphird, who also directed Chupacabra Terror and I really liked that movie. Apparently it took four guys to write this feature – Michael Ciminera, Richard Gnolfo, Jeffrey Schneck, and Peter Sullivan. This film stars real life “Jersey Shore” castmember Vinny Guadagnino, NSYNC member Joey Fatone, Jeremy Luc as The Complication (The Situation spoof), Melissa Molinaro as Nooki (the Snooki spoof), Joey Russo as Donnie (the Ronnie spoof), Daniel Booko as Paulie Balzac (the Paulie D spoof), Alex Mauriello as J-Moni (the J-W0ww spoof), and Audi Resendez as BJ (probably the Angelina spoof…).
Emmy Award nominee Jack Scalia, Screen Actors Guild Award winner Tony Sirico, Screen Actors Guild Award nominee Paul Sorvino, Al Sapienza (“The Sopranos”), and William Atherton (Die Hard, The Last Samari) all have cameos in Jersey Shore Shark Attack. My only response to that is – why? Why would you lower yourself like that and appear in a movie like this?
All of the spoof characters and acting is spot on, even down to the real life “Shore” member’s mannerisms. The characters in Jersey Shore Shark Attack are just like they are on the television show – stupid, obnoxious, awkward, tanned, and you really just want them to die. Going into watching this, I knew they would be portrayed as they are in real life, however, the characters were taken to a new level of obnoxious far greater than the reality show. If possible, I think they were too Italian. I know being Italian myself that no one talks like that, not even in the heart of Brooklyn or Staten Island. “When will they get eaten by a shark?” I thought.
Also being from The New Jersey Shore myself, I can say with great certainty that 98% of this was shot somewhere other than “down the shore.” Based on some of the geography of the movie, I would say “Point Pleasant Shark Attack” would be a more fitting title, even though I know the film wasn’t shot there either. I guess being from The Jersey Shore, I tended to be over critical of their scenery and locations because I knew the locations were not correct. I would say they were in Florida or California if anything, certainly not in New Jersey. But, hey, Halloween was shot in California even though it was supposed to take place up North. Everyone deserves a chance, right? “When will they get eaten by a shark?” I thought.
Speaking of the sharks, they are all CGI, of course. I mean, this is a SyFy film after all. However, the sharks are definitely recycled CGI. I know I have seen the same white sharks attacking people in another SyFy film. 2-Headed Shark Attack was at least able to make a foam shark molding for some realistic attack scenes. Not here. The giant, albino bull sharks just swim around at all times and don’t really do much. Oh, one jumps out of the water once. It was hard for anyone in the movie to be afraid of them because they just never went in the water. The only people to get eaten were people who didn’t listen to the guidos and got munched on. Oh, no! Nooki is on a boat that the sharks are ramming. Here comes the cast to save her! “Now they will get eaten by sharks.” I thought.
No, they never die. Not one of them. Only minor to featured roles get eaten in Jersey Shore Shark Attack. While they don’t get eaten, the cast raids a police armory for automatic weapons and steal a police boat to go fight the sharks. Because that wouldn’t mean jail time at all, right? Really, the whole reason I wanted to watch Jersey Shore Shark Attack was to see cast members that give my home state a bad rap get eaten by sharks. And it never happens… This is some (beep) (beep). I wasted two hours of my (beep) life for no (beep) reason. I’ma go eat some spaghetti now…
