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Elves (Review)

elvesposterDirector – Jeffrey Mandel (Cyber-C.H.I.C.)
Starring – Dan Haggerty (Terror Night), Julie Austin (Night of the Wilding), and Borah Silver (Escape from New York)
Release Date – 1989
Rating – 1.5/5

Tagline – “They’re not working for Santa…Anymore”

Two years ago I was looking around for Christmas themed horror movies to watch and review for my first incarnation of my blog.  I found a huge list of Christmas horror movies and this one was at the bottom.  On this particular list, the writer made a small note saying “a Troll 2 Christmas story.”  Cinema junkies know Troll 2 as one of the worst films ever made and has the title of being so bad its good.  I personally have seen Troll 2 and I do not see anything good about it what so ever.  However, this film intrigued me and I tried to find multiple ways of watching it.

There was never an official DVD release of this film and this time last year I had no knowledge of bootleg companies, yet alone, any of them that would bootleg this film.  I started looking for copies on VHS and that too came to a dead end.  After Christmas I forgot all about this flick until I started ordering movies from VHSPS.com and found this for sell.  I did not want to pay $10 for another shitty Troll 2 Christmas clone and decided to search YouTube for it…and found it.

**Spoiler Alert**The movie opens with a group of girls that call themselves the Anti-Christmas something other, are  perform a ritual from one of the young lady’s, Kirsten (Austin), grandfather’s old book.  The group accidentally awaken an evil elf (that’s right, I said elf and not elves) that is hellbent on screwing a virgin and creating the perfect race.

Kirsten’s grandfather was a member of the Nazi party and created the elf as a secret weapon.  He also screwed his own daughter to create the perfect mate for the elf but had a change of heart and left the Nazi party and fled.  Kirsten’s mother/sister is abusive and often hits her.  She goes as far as drowning her cat in the toilet just to make her daughter miserable.

Kirsten and her idiotic friends are unaware that they resurrected an evil elf and go about their daily lives…that is until people start dying and German goons start chasing her.  We are now introduced to Mike McGavin (Haggerty), a former cop that drank away his badge and is having a rough time landing a job.  He is able to land a job at the same department store as Kirsten as a mall Santa after the old Santa was fired for feeling the female employees up.  McGavin was evicted from his mobile home and has been staying in the department store.

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One night the girls sneak in to do girl things and the German goons try to capture Kirsten but they meet the elf.  McGavin is able to save Kirsten but one of her friends are not so lucky.  They both see the elf and rush to her home.  Her grandfather spills the beans about everything he has done.  McGavin spends the remainder of the film running from one Nazi elf expert to another until he can find a way to kill it.**Spoiler Alert**

As much as I love Christmas themed horror films I can not like them all.  Some are putrid piles of cinema that do not deserve to be seen by the lowest level of human waste.  This movie is bad in almost every aspect.  It was a chore to actually finish this shitstorm.

The acting is the only thing that was not horrendous.  Most of the cast are horrible actors with the exception of Dan Haggerty.  It is a sad thing that his career was winding down by this point because he truly is a good actor.  The acting is on the same level as Troll 2 by the rest of the cast, which can be one of the many reasons this movie gets called a Troll 2 film for the holidays.

The story is absurd and with most movies with absurd stories, if you don’t throw in humor they never work and that is exactly what happened to this film.  The story is outlandish and they tried to make a serious film which only failed in the end.  The effects are also horrible.  The elf is the worst creature I have ever seen in any movie.  Speaking of the elf, the damn movie is called Elves but there is only one damn elf.  This movie is just horribly made and put together to cash in on holiday horror.  Skip it.

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Written by Blacktooth

(Staff Writer) Lover of all things horror and metal. Also likes boobs and booze.