Armed with kettle corn, sour patch watermelon, and a king size diet coke; I sat back in the movie theatre wide-eyed and excited for Zombieland. I had prepared myself all week for the newest glimpse of the Zombie apocalypse by watching nothing but brain munching, bone gnawing, zombie films. The lights went dim, the audience silenced, and the green screen appeared to signify the trailers were about to begin. I hopped around in anticipation when I was suddenly interrupted with the ONE thing I had been trying to avoid during all of my movie going experiences; VAMPIRES. Let me make it known that I do not have some underlying hatred for our fanged friends. I actually am quite interested in vampire folklore and adore the vampire movies of yesteryear, HOWEVER I will say that thanks to a certain franchise of sparkling angsty vampires who fight homoerotic Native American werewolves…the vampire that we know and love is LONG gone.
I was hoping that my night would be filled with zombie adventures, but I was too distracted by the THREE vampire trailers (shown consecutively I might add) that bombarded my movie going experience. However vampires aren’t just invading my movie trailers…they’re invading my television, music, and Internet experiences as well. Forget swine flu, we’re being infected by a plague of vampires.
First of all, look at television. We have shows that represent Vampires very well like True Blood, but then we have ridiculous shows like The Vampire Diaries. Let me first say that vampires on the CW is like putting the Sopranos on Disney. You start concentrating more on the “love connection” of the characters and less on the fact that THEY’RE FRIGGEN VAMPIRES! I mean, at least Buffy and Blade had some bad ass kicking in it, this is just a Nicholas Sparks and Anne Rice hybrid novel put on screen with some Dawson’s Creek wannabe actors.
Next, my music is being invaded. One of my favorite bands of all time is Muse that DUN DUN DUUUUN! Was suckered into allowing their music on the Twatlight(I refuse to call it by its name) soundtrack. As much as I understand how intelligent of a move business wise that was, I’ve lost a huge amount of respect for them for selling out so hard. Same thing goes to Paramore. Your music has nothing to do with vampires, why the hell are you doing this to yourselves? Oh yeah, to establish a fan base with 14 year old girls and college girls who can’t get laid.
As far as the internet is concerned, I’ve admitted to being a PerezHilton addict and I’m sadly bombarded with pictures of Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart. This fucking film that showcases their absolutely useless acting abilities has turned them into idols recognized as easily as Jesus. I’ve been bombarded with excessive internet quizzes that range from the typical “Which Character Are You?” to the absolutely insane “What Do You Smell Like To Edward Cullen?” I don’t get it. Why would that even matter what I smell like? And how would you know internet quiz? You don’t follow me into the shower!
I CAN’T EVEN EAT FAST FOOD ANYMORE NOW THAT BURGER KING HAS TWATLIGHT THEMED CUPS AND BAGS! IS THERE NOTHING HOLY ANYMORE?!
There is only one way to survive this epidemic…we need to bring back the zombie. Zombie films are ultimately more entertaining and they always have been. I don’t know anyone who would ever put a vampire film over a zombie film on their top 10 lists. (Unless its Dracula or Nosferatu, but those are just classics that must be included). Zombies are in all honesty, just far superior to vampires. Zombies are scarier, they spread faster, they work together, they make better comedies, they make better indie films, they don’t have rules, they’ve evolved better, and they make way better video games. How lame would Left 4 Dead be if you were fighting off vamps? Not fun at all. AND WHEN’S THE LAST TIME A VAMPIRE FOUGHT A SHARK? Vampires may have nabbed some pretty sexy people to play them, but how many vampires were ever Bill Murray? Or how about the fact that the headshot is far cooler to watch than a stake through the heart or sunlight. Which by the way the modern day vampire is apparently immune to.
Diablo Cody is apparently turning S.G. Browne’s novel “Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament” into a movie, and if she does it right, I think we may in fact overtake the Vampire pandemic. We would be given loveable, attractive, and still maintain some zombie attributes which would make Middle America oh so happy. Television will be saved (fingers crossed) when AMC premieres the television series version of the comic book “The Walking Dead”. I’m still holding out for a film version of Pride and Predjudice and Zombies; that should really draw in a crowd. The memorobilia and lifestyle obsession would be so much more fun, and we horror hounds could finally end the pain we’ve been enduring the day Stephanie Meyer picked up a pencil.
Regardless, this needs to stop, and we need to help stop it. One sparkly, pale, emo kid with an idea that he’s a vampire, at a time.