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What America Needs, Is More Zombies.

Picnik collage

Armed with kettle corn, sour patch watermelon, and a king size diet coke; I sat back in the movie theatre wide-eyed and excited for Zombieland. I had prepared myself all week for the newest glimpse of the Zombie apocalypse by watching nothing but brain munching, bone gnawing, zombie films.  The lights went dim, the audience silenced, and the green screen appeared to signify the trailers were about to begin.  I hopped around in anticipation when I was suddenly interrupted with the ONE thing I had been trying to avoid during all of my movie going experiences; VAMPIRES.  Let me make it known that I do not have some underlying hatred for our fanged friends.  I actually am quite interested in vampire folklore and adore the vampire movies of yesteryear, HOWEVER I will say that thanks to a certain franchise of sparkling angsty vampires who fight homoerotic Native American werewolves…the vampire that we know and love is LONG gone.

I was hoping that my night would be filled with zombie adventures, but I was too distracted by the THREE vampire trailers (shown consecutively I might add) that bombarded my movie going experience.  However vampires aren’t just invading my movie trailers…they’re invading my television, music, and Internet experiences as well.  Forget swine flu, we’re being infected by a plague of vampires.

First of all, look at television.  We have shows that represent Vampires very well like True Blood, but then we have ridiculous shows like The Vampire Diaries.  Let me first say that vampires on the CW is like putting the Sopranos on Disney.  You start concentrating more on the “love connection” of the characters and less on the fact that THEY’RE FRIGGEN VAMPIRES!  I mean, at least Buffy and Blade had some bad ass kicking in it, this is just a Nicholas Sparks and Anne Rice hybrid novel put on screen with some Dawson’s Creek wannabe actors.

Next, my music is being invaded.  One of my favorite bands of all time is Muse that DUN DUN DUUUUN! Was suckered into allowing their music on the Twatlight(I refuse to call it by its name) soundtrack.  As much as I understand how intelligent of a move business wise that was, I’ve lost a huge amount of respect for them for selling out so hard.  Same thing goes to Paramore.  Your music has nothing to do with vampires, why the hell are you doing this to yourselves? Oh yeah, to establish a fan base with 14 year old girls and college girls who can’t get laid.

As far as the internet is concerned, I’ve admitted to being a PerezHilton addict and I’m sadly bombarded with pictures of Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.  This fucking film that showcases their absolutely useless acting abilities has turned them into idols recognized as easily as Jesus.  I’ve been bombarded with excessive internet quizzes that range from the typical “Which Character Are You?” to the absolutely insane “What Do You Smell Like To Edward Cullen?”  I don’t get it. Why would that even matter what I smell like? And how would you know internet quiz? You don’t follow me into the shower!

I CAN’T EVEN EAT FAST FOOD ANYMORE NOW THAT BURGER KING HAS TWATLIGHT THEMED CUPS AND BAGS!  IS THERE NOTHING HOLY ANYMORE?!

There is only one way to survive this epidemic…we need to bring back the zombie.  Zombie films are ultimately more entertaining and they always have been.  I don’t know anyone who would ever put a vampire film over a zombie film on their top 10 lists.  (Unless its Dracula or Nosferatu, but those are just classics that must be included).   Zombies are in all honesty, just far superior to vampires.  Zombies are scarier, they spread faster, they work together, they make better comedies, they make better indie films, they don’t have rules, they’ve evolved better, and they make way better video games.  How lame would Left 4 Dead be if you were fighting off vamps?  Not fun at all.  AND WHEN’S THE LAST TIME A VAMPIRE FOUGHT A SHARK?  Vampires may have nabbed some pretty sexy people to play them, but how many vampires were ever Bill Murray? Or how about the fact that the headshot is far cooler to watch than a stake through the heart or sunlight.  Which by the way the modern day vampire is apparently immune to.

Diablo Cody is apparently turning S.G. Browne’s novel “Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament” into a movie, and if she does it right, I think we may in fact overtake the Vampire pandemic.  We would be given loveable, attractive, and still maintain some zombie attributes which would make Middle America oh so happy.  Television will be saved (fingers crossed) when AMC premieres the television series version of the comic book “The Walking Dead”.  I’m still holding out for a film version of Pride and Predjudice and Zombies; that should really draw in a crowd.  The memorobilia and lifestyle obsession would be so much more fun, and we horror hounds could finally end the pain we’ve been enduring the day Stephanie Meyer picked up a pencil.

Regardless, this needs to stop, and we need to help stop it. One sparkly, pale, emo kid with an idea that he’s a vampire, at a time.

Written by Mitchell Wells

Founder and Editor in Chief of Horror Society. Self proclaimed Horror Movie Freak, Tech Geek, love indie films and all around nice kinda guy!!

10 Comments

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  1. Very well put! I totally agree, but I am worried that if zombies become the next best thing, we will have to deal with Meyer-esque zombie love stories and the teeny-boppers that love them. And don't forget about the fact that all the "Twi-Moms" will now become "Zom-Moms"…yuck!

    Zombies have already gained a lot of popularity recently (which is cool, yet annoying at the same time). I just hope it doesn't all blow up in our faces.

  2. Muse is on the soundtrack because Meyers is a big Muse fan (which is a credit to her because Muse is, as you said, amazing). She basically wrote half of Twilight while listening to Muse. Let us pray to Cthulhu Muse will inspire others to write something infinitely better than emo vampire love stories.

  3. Meital Dohan is the best person in the show Woke Up Dead, starring the guy from Napoleon Dynamite. She plays a hot zombie named Aurora. She was also on the show Weeds. you can find out more on the show Woke Up Dead at hulu.com/woke-up-dead

  4. I have never read nor seen TWILIGHT, so I have little opinion on it. I do have a general dislike for it based off of what I do know of it, but I am in no position to discuss it in an educated manner. I hope you have either read some of the book(s) or seen the film, otherwise your vitriol towards the franchise seems completely unfounded and ignorant. But that's another story.

    Regarding the bands who appear on the films' soundtracks, I think it's incredibly unfair to lose respect for them based solely on that. If you accepted a raise or promotion at your job, would that make you a sell-out? The guys in Muse are trying to make a living. Music is their livelihood. Who are you to judge them for making what you admit to be a smart move in their careers? It's ridiculous to condemn them for attempting to further themselves by building a larger fanbase, which will in turn earn them more money, which will improve their quality of life. I have no doubt in my mind that those guys have worked their asses off to get where they are, and to refuse to appear on a movie's soundtrack just because it features vampires who don't conform to the "rules" and has some young, overly zealous fans… well, that would be just plain stupid. I would lose respect for them if they DIDN'T take advantage of the opportunity.

    As for Paramore, they have had a fanbase of very young people for quite some time, long before they were on the TWILIGHT soundtrack. They are a pop band, and they have clearly targeted the young, Hot Topic-going demographic for years now. And I say that in no way to insult them. I actually love Paramore's first record, as well as a lot of the songs on RIOT! They are very good at what they do, especially for having started at such extremely young ages. I admire them for how far they've come in just a few short years. It's an extraordinary accomplishment to go from playing one of the smallest stages at Warped Tour for maybe 20 kids to having the lead single off the soundtrack for one of the biggest movies of 2008, all in the span of about three years.

  5. Actually I found the Twilight film to be quite watchable as far a story goes. Nothing earth shattering but a good movie and a basic romance themed story. I am long past my high school years and well past the time when I felt some music was cooler or less than cool than another. I found the sound track to be listenable and enjoyed it but was not shaken to the core by it at the time. I enjoyed Zombieland as well of course but find myself getting a little tired of Zombie comedies. I just saw the British zombie film Doghouse about a small town in Britain where only women become Zombies (this may be a movie for your Day of the Woman blog to explore if you have not already)and it was great but seems zombies cannot be taken seriously lately. I live in China and there is no Twilight marketing at McDonalds and really no major fanfare. The film here is more of a genuine cult article as Chinese people typically shy away from horror fare unless it is a South Korean or Japanese schoolgirl ghost story. Maybe I see another angle to the film because of living in a culture where it is not in my face each day. I personally enjoyed the film and can recommend it. That does not mean the viewer will like it but as a film, not a cultural phenomenon, it is acceptable in my view.

    Thanks

    Bill Courtney

    aka Uranium Willy

  6. Clarification: When above I said I was long out of High School that can be taken as a snide remark and that was not the intent. What I meant was that the film is a High School love story first and a vampire story second and that even an old misanthrope like myself found it enjoyable. I will be frank I did not expect to like it and if John at LOTTD does a possible round table discussion on Twilight I will explain why and defend my reason there since there is a small story to how it happened.

    Again thanks and I hope my remarks are taken in the spirit they were intended.

    Bill

  7. My only defense would be on the actors. Even the best of actors can be made to look horrible (ie. Ms. Portman in the Star Wars prequels). I just finished watching the wonderful and under appreciated Adventureland where I promptly fell in love with Kristen Stewart. I however do not love Robert Pattinson so he very well may suck. :-)

  8. I have to agree with this whole vampire thing. Although I have not read the books or seen the movies ( I was planning on reading the books until this whole epidemic came through) I am hating the fact that vampires are everywhere not, and not even just twilight.

    Zombies rock, so I did check out frank's link. I remember seeing Meital on weeds. The shorts are interesting so I would give it a shot.

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