Hatchet

Director Adam Green’s 2006 flick "Hatchet" is billed as "Old School American Horror." Sounds great, right? I was totally charged to pop this one in my DVD player. I couldn’t wait to see what sort of "Old School" techniques or homages Green had developed.

The film opens with a father and son duo out in the thick of the Louisiana bayou. They appear to be gator hunting… I think. The atmosphere of this scene is developed with skill–it’s clear early on that Green is a technically adept filmmaker. The swamp is filled with smoke, the plants are beautifully lit… and you just know that something BAD is going to happen. Oh, wait a second, did I fail to mention that the father is played by Robert Englund? Old School all the way… at least so far. I won’t spoil anything, but rest assured, something bad happens to these two gator hunters. After some bloody good fun (the gore is extreme, to say the least, and very well done) I was more than ready to see where this film was going to go.

Oh, if only things had stayed that way…

As skilled a technician as Green is, he failed to capture the true essence of "Old School American Horror" he so blatantly uses to suck in viewers. This isn’t to say that "Hatchet" is a bad movie, it’s not–it’s actually pretty good. I just think it’s being mis-marketed. If you’re in the mood for a chuckle-fest gore-a-rama, then look no further. But if you’re in the mood for something darker, with more gravity and artfulness, than Hatchet simply can’t cut it. With a better script, Green would surely be capable of making something that captures the true spirit of the American Old School–I’m thinking Hooper, Carpenter, Craven–but until that happens, Green is more in sync with the gore crazy, sophomoric smart-alecky shenanigans of Eli Roth.

The script. What can I say about it? It’s chock-full of one-liners and offensive portrayals of Asians, Women, Creoles and Midwesterners. Honestly, it takes a lot to offend me. Something really has to be crass or senseless to put me over the edge, and some of the characters in "Hatchet" did just that–most notably the tour-boat driver. Jesus fuck, I haven’t seen such a negative portrayal of an Asian in a film since Jerry Lewis’s performance in "Breakfast at Tiffany’s." A half-hour in to this film and I couldn’t wait for everyone to die.

The deaths are the real strong point of "Hatchet." They’re handled imaginatively, and with buckets of blood to spare. A few of the slayings–especially one where a woman has her head ripped in half from the jaw up–are done with particular attention to detail; we see her tongue lashing about as her cheeks tear open.

I don’t want to sound too harsh. This would make a good flick to play with your buddies while drinking a case of Old Style. I guess I just expected something a little different. After all, the poster did tell me that I was about to witness some "Old School American Horror"–I guess I didn’t expect it to be of the "creature-feature" variety. "Hatchet" gets points for its ambition and (relative) originality. I just hope that in the future Green does a better job writing his taglines.