Ghoul Mourning, Maniacs!

HorrorSociety.com has “axed” me to take command of this very spot, for the day! I’m very honored, of “corpse”! What I thought of doing, was telling you about my undying love affair with 3×5 cards. Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not as awful as it sounds! In fact, it might be a “hex” of a lot worse! Let’s see. . .

It might be best, if I tell you a little bit, about a few books pertaining to horror films. It will help make the connection, later. When I went to the library as a “little monster”, I took out the books known as The Crestwood Monster Series, by Ian Thorne. I also took out “A Pictorial History of Horror Movies” by Denis Gifford, and “The Movie Treasury of Monsters & Vampires” by Alan Frank.

I still borrow these same books from the library, today. I just received a copy of Alan Frank’s book in the mail about two weeks ago, and it is glorious! I do hope to obtain the other books at some point.

Let’s just say that my reading choices at that age (5-9) raised eyebrows, from the librarians, my parents, etc. Well, what can I say? I needed my horror! These books were a major part of the foundation for my love of the genre.

The pictures of all of the heroes of classic to modern (at that time, mid to late 70′s) horror, are so fantastic! The stills from the movies, closeups of monster makeups, behind the scenes and publicity photos, in some cases.

The Crestwood Series had adaptations of the screenplays of each monster movie. The books by Frank, and Gifford. . .

Wait a minute. Frank, Gifford. Does Kathy Lee know what I just did here? I made a funny! (blechh)!

Anyways, the books by Alan Frank, and Denis Gifford (much better), didn’t have the adaptations, but minimal text. Mostly it was the background, or a brief summary of the monsters in the pictures. Sometimes, there was some behind the scenes stories.

I drank it all in. Absolutely!

There was such a fascination with these books, I never wanted to return them. They were too cool! I would, though. Waiting for the chance to get them again!

The one thing that I did, when I had the books out, was to catalogue everything in them. I would do this on 3×5 index cards, that I took from my father’s desk.

In his office at my father’s business, he had stationary. Fantastic magic markers, pens, etc. , including packs of 3×5 lined index cards. I don’t know why, but these were kind of fascinating to me. I can assume that he got them from Clancy’s, which was a privately owned stationary/art supply store in town.

I took some home with me, and sat with whatever horror book I had from the library. I had the urge to write down every caption to every photo, in the books. That’s exactly what I did. Not all at once. It wouldn’t all fit on a few 3×5 cards. (Sheesh)!

I tried making categories and everything! Actors, films, Monsters, directors, release dates. Now, I was as thorough as a boy of that age could be. I did it on and off, sometimes starting over. But, I’ll tell you what-it made me think about the subject matter a lot. I memorized some of the stuff. I could rattle it off at any chance I had. It was sitting there in my noggin. It really mattered to me. It felt like it was important, but I didn’t know why. It is possible, that doing this back then, has helped me with writing jokes about horror and monster movies now.

Jokes. Like. . .

What is The Phantom of the Opera’s favorite coffee drink?

La-lalalalalala, latte!

What do you get by crossing a podiatrist and a vampire?

A “Nosfera-Toe!”

What do get by crossing The Creature From the Black Lagoon, with a bean?

The Creature From the Black “Legume”!

And many, many, more.

Now, my love for 3×5 cards didn’t end there. When I got older, I used to draw stuff from Mad, Crazy, and Cracked Magazines on them. Front or back of the cards, it didnt matter. I’d copy my favorite panels. I still enjoy 3×5 cards. Still draw on them. But, the best and first usage I had, was getting to know the horror genre and it’s films on a more intimate level. My index card catalog isn’t around anymore. It probably got lost or something, but I’ve got most of it in my head and heart.

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Monstermatt Patterson is “The Man of a Thousand Bad Monster Jokes”. The author of “Monstermatt’s Bad Monster Jokes Vol.1″ Writer for HorrorNews.Net. Creator of the horror comicbook “Wolff’s Run”, and a Mask maker.