Fuck Remakes

This shit is getting out of hand. I didn’t want to acknowledge it at first. I figured that maybe if we all just ignored it, it would just go away; but horror remakes are like herpes, my man. It may go away for a while but in a month or so, it’ll be back. And it will come back much worse! Maybe it’s our faults. We did kinda jump on New Line’s dick when they remade The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Was Tobe Hooper’s classic already perfect? Yes! Did we bitch about the update on the blogs and websites? Yes! Did it stop the film from grossing over a hundred mill worldwide? Nope! Even though die hard fans of the original spit at the idea of a remake involving the chick from Seventh Heaven; inside we were all very excited. We were excited because it felt good to have one of our favorite slashers back in the media again. We were geeked because no matter how old we get, we don’t want to see the classics that we grew up on, die. I for one would love to watch Jason Voorhees take names for another 30 years; but not if it means a remake version of him. And I’m one of the few who didn’t even hate the 2009 remake of Friday the 13^th.

There’s nothing wrong with remaking horror. Some of the best flicks in the genre are remakes. John Carpenter knocked it out the park when he got together with Kurt Russell to remake The Thing from Another World. And David Cronenberg did his thing when he updated The Fly. But there are specific reasons why it worked. Both films were not only updating films that were poorly made the first time but were also groundbreaking in terms of special effects. It doesn’t hurt that these films were directed by two of the best that have ever done it. It also doesn’t hurt that Carpenter and Russell were the genre version of Scorsese and De Niro. Jeff Goldblum also carries a pretty decent filmography. The point is, remakes are welcome if certain things are in place. For one, remaking should be left for the films that either sucked the first time or were made on a shitty budget and can use some Hollywood dough to spruce it up. Secondly, there is no reason to remake a classic that got it right the first time. I don’t know about you, but I had a very hard time swallowing the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. You just don’t mess with perfection.

I can honestly say that this “remake era” is the worse thing to hit America since boy-bands. Maybe I’m exaggerating a tad bit (N*Sync brought us JustinTimberlake). But recently hearing about The Evil Dead being remade makes zero fucking sense. They’re exploiting a film that struggled to find its audience when it first came out then. It damn sure isn’t going to appeal to this YouTube generation. Not only are Hollywood dissing loyal fans by trying to cash in on loyal fan-bases, but it’s killing the film industry as well. It isn’t just horror being remade anymore. It’s anything from the 80’s with any form of fan-base. Can you say Footloose remake? I know. It shouldn’t have to be said.

Thousands of great independent films of all genres are made each year. Most of them never get its distribution. If this indie flick happens to be horror, it’s even harder. Hollywood doesn’t like distributing indie horror. In 2007, Trick R Treat was scheduled for a wide release but instead got pushed back to a straight to video release in 2009. So instead we were all forced to go to the movies to watch The Hills Have Eyes II. Hollywood would rather produce something with a name than gamble on something original. Trick R Treat became a hit amongst rentals and DVD purchases but not every film will be as lucky.

So who is really to blame for this crazy remake phenomenon? The assholes who produce them or the d-bags who buy the ticket? Both. I like to blame Michael Bay for all my problems as much as the next guy but this shit does start with us. We horror fans have to do our best not buy into the bullshit that Hollywood is feeding us. If you like eating shit, go watch Salo. You already knew the remake to I Spit on Your Grave would suck but you took a peek anyway. As long as we continue to be curious, curiosity will kill our cat called horror, for good.