Boa VS Python
Directed by David Flores
Columbia/Tristar
Scribbled by LM Campbell
I am a heavy pot-smoker; I have tasted opium and snorted crystal meth; I’ve had crack cocaine in my lungs and have felt heroin coursing through my veins; I’ve huffed gas and ingested pills; I’ve choked down mushrooms and chewed on peyote; I have woken up on park benches covered in my own vomit and in drunk-tanks covered in someone else’s vomit. I am a perfect candidate for the ‘this is your brain; this is your brain on drugs’ commercials of the 90’s.
Even with all of these external maladies stirring my brain into a grey soupy miasma of liquefied coma-juice I can still perform basic functions. I can understand monosyllabic words and most hand gestures and yet even I found Boa VS Python completely fucking ridiculous. B.V.P. begins with a wrestling match between two masked men: one named boa, the other accepting the moniker of python; the battle between good and evil begins. Is this the perfect microcosm for the snake world and the mercilessness of life or is it merely encouraging lowest common denominator entertainment?
A giant python has been ‘lost’ by a poacher who sets up caged hunts of exotic animals for rich, ‘great white’ hunters. Ensconced among the tumult of the city the python swathes a winding path of destruction. How do they intend to recapture the murderous serpentine slayer? An air and ground crew spreading out in all directions of the escape area?; assistance from the government and local law enforcement? No, to find it they ask a fellow scientist if they can borrow his giant boa to smell out the dangerous serpent(?!?)
So, I am to understand that the one snake will catch the others scent and follow it? But then who will catch that snake? Is there another scientist who has another enormous snake to catch the boa? Or perhaps another doctor has a giant mongoose looking for a good fight? Perhaps it was never meant to end. Watching it felt as though it never would. Sigh.
