Cheeseballs (Review)


Director(s) – Tom Martino (Race War: The Remake) and Matt Rogers (Race War: The Remake)
Starring – Lloyd Kaufman (Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, Return to Nuke ‘Em High), Sam Rivas (Hidden in the Woods), and Chuck Norfolk (Doll Factory)
Release Date – 2014
Rating – 0/5

Tagline – “6 pieces of shit to make you groan “O, Henry”

I love bad movies.  I can’t help it. My entire life friends and family have made fun of me over that.  I could put in some of the worst films ever made and find some redeeming qualities in the putrid piles of shit.  To simply put it, I appreciate some real stinkers.

Several months back I brought you beautiful people a review for a blaxploitation comedy titled Race War: The Remake.  I absolutely fucking loved the film and it is one of my top picks for 2013.  The film, however, was far from perfect but that was part of the charm.  So when I heard that director Tom Martino was at it again I had to fucking see it.  I reached out to Martino and he was nice enough to me a screener and for that I thank you!


**Spoiler Alert**This anthology film has 6 stories.  Three of the stories (Pizzademic, Pizzademic 2, and Pizzademic 3) follows an evil pizza that is able to control the people it rapes for around 3 hours.  Along the way the pizza has to stop an evil creature known as the Suckapuss and an evil killer known as Sweethole Brown.  The other story, Cocksucker The Movie, follows an evil man who forces a young woman to suck his pole.  The young woman promised her mother that she would never suck a veiny beast and the young girl agreed.  Sadly, once she swallows his load her head explodes revealing a monster lurking inside.  The evil man shoots it and goes to bed.  Later that night he is visited by their ghosts.

Ungabunga: The Remake follows a group of of strangers that knock on the wrong door when members of the KKK answer it.  They bring them inside at gunpoint and offer them two options; ungabunga (butt rape) or death.  The final story, the animated Fantastical Banana Spider Hero Boy.  This story follows a young boy that is bitten by a banana spider while playing basketball.  He then turns into Banana Spider Hero Boy and fights racism and villains.**Spoiler Alert**

My appreciation for bad films can only take me so far into a film before I start to really have a bad time.  Cheeseballs purposely set out to make a bad movie and fuck does it succeeds. The film is bad in every way and that is the point.  Sadly, I don’t understand the point of being so bad it’s unwatchable.

The acting in this one is horrible.  In fact, the acting is easily the worst I have seen and once again it was on purpose.  No cast member tries to deliver a decent performance.  This does lead to several scenes making me chuckle from time to time.  The stories for this one are actually kinda fun.  Sadly, it was not properly executed.  Almost all of the stories could have been something fun and original instead of horrible and almost unwatchable.  Most of the stories felt like a tribute to the campy sci-fi films of the 50s made by the Tosh.0 generation.

Finally, the film has a surprising amount of special effects.  Most of them are shitty CGI and visual effects.  We do get some decent practical effects but they are few and far in between. Overall, Cheeseballs is a bad film no matter how you look at it.  Bad effects, bad acting, and bad writing run wild through this one.  If pain gets you off you will find it by the buttload here.


Written by Blacktooth

(Staff Writer) Lover of all things horror and metal. Also likes boobs and booze.