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TV Recap: “Scream Queens,” Episode 5

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Dear god this show is so bad… Someone please help me… WARNING: ALL MAJOR EPISODE SPOILERS AHEAD.

The episode starts with The Chanels meeting with a world renowned party planner in anticipation of Chanel Oberlin’s Haunted Pumpkin Patch Party in support of Black Hairy Tongue Disease. Chanel Oberlin is outraged when a corn maze is featured instead of an exact replica of the snow maze from The Shining. She orders the party planner to do better before quizzing The Chanels on which musical guests they booked for the event. Chanel #6 was able to book Maroon 5. Chanel #3 was able to book Fergie. Chanel #5 was unable to book Led Zeppelin because of the members passed away. Next, the girls go over their Halloween costumes and Chanel Oberlin decided that the theme will be wives of fallen/murdered presidents and, of course, she will be Jackie Kennedy. When Chanel #5 is unhappy with her costume, she freaks out and has another argument with Chanel Oberlin. They do the typical “I’ll destroy you,” “I’m done with you,” thing before leaving.

Later that day, Cathy Munch has gathered everyone in the Kappa Kappa Tau mansion to make an announcement. Wes and GiGi are there, too, as well as the Dickie Dollar Scholars…including the one who had his arms hacked off by The Red Devil. Cathy Munch announces that she is issuing a strict curfew and all campus activities after sun down are forbidden. Everyone is going crazy over the decision, especially Chad Radwell who doesn’t want to miss out on the sluttiest day of the year. He then blames Chanel Oberlin for Halloween being cancelled before complimenting Chanel #6’s boobs. Well, Oberlin is above the law and takes to social media to announce her party will go as planned and will take place at 12:01 on November 1, which is still technically Halloween night.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Chanel #5 is busy baking Halloween cookies with finger nails in them to give out to the neighborhood kids because they always try and copy her fashion trends. Chanel #6 sneaks up and tells her to hurt Chanel Oberlin instead of the neighborhood kids, and they’ll need Jennifer’s help to do it. Upstairs, we see Jennifer’s room – which is filled with ant farms and candles – and the girls start their plan to get votes for Zayday to dethrone Oberlin as Kappa president. Jennifer’s vote is bought when they show her a closet of Oberlin’s expensive candles, ones that were only used once and thrown out for being used. A larger role in the sorority is promised to Jennifer, too, as long as she keeps her mouth shut about the plan. The plot to ruin Chanel Oberlin continues as the next day she is arrested in class for the murder of Ms. Bean.

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At lunch time the next day, The Chanels are eating air when Pete (who always looks different) and Grace arrive and demand that they help in the search for Zayday. With Chanel Oberlin behind bars, Chanel #3 is in charge and she says it’s better that Zayday get herself out of the killer’s clutches to prove that she has strong leadership capabilities. Plus, she is not going to let them violate curfew because then Cathy Munch can kick them all off campus, something she so desperately wants to do. So, Grace and Pete head to Wes’ place because he’s the only one Grace can really count on. When they get there, they interrupt Wes and GiGi having sex. The adult duo apologize for the embarrassing moment before joining the young duo in the quest to find Zayday.

Zayday wakes up in a pit in The Red Devil’s basement.. bla bla.. Meanwhile, Oberlin has already found new Chanels in prison, ones who were recipients of her Chanel-O-Ween presents. Oberlin is upset because her Dad has a huge business venture on the table and bailing his daughter out of prison for murdering a maid would be bad publicity. However, Oberlin is suddenly bailed out of prison and sashays out to Chanel #3 and Sam, who were able to pay the $300,000 bail by lying to their parents and saying they needed the money for textbooks.

Also at the same time, Cathy Munch is talking to Officer Hemphill in her office and it is revealed that both women have slept with Chad Radwell on multiple occasions. They start to have drinks, but are interrupted by GiGi, Grace, Pete and Wes, who want proper detectives hired to help search for Zayday. Cathy Munch denies the request since Hemphill is already on the case. Hemphill, though, is still steadfast in her belief that Zayday is the killer, especially because of the chainsaw she had stashed under her bed. Pete would rather Officer Hemphill not lead the search because of her biased opinion, but Cathy shoots him down as well. GiGi and Wes announce that they will help in the search before telling Cathy Munch that they are a couple, which really pisses her off. Cathy says they better hurry because sundown is in an hour.

When Oberlin returns to Kappa, she discovers Chanel #5 trying to wear her Halloween costume and blames her for being imprisoned, especially after Chanel #6 and Jennifer confirmed her suspicions. The girls have another argument and Oberlin gives Chanel #5 two options: go to the pumpkin patch and get things ready for the party by herself or leave Kappa forever. Chanel #5 doesn’t want to go alone with the killer on the loose, but Oberlin threatens to show everyone her dirty little secret: Chanel #5 masturbates to Dora the Explorer. She relents and takes off, but doesn’t follow the rules – taking Roger and Dodger with her. They start lighting candles inside the pumpkins when The Red Devils hows up with hedge clippers and chases them into The Shining maze. In the middle of the chase, the twin brothers – who have both been sleeping with Chanel #5 – demand that she pick which twin she wants to be with. She chooses Roger and takes off with him, leaving Dodger to get disemboweled by The Red Devil.

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After using the Find My Phone app, GiGi, Grace, Officer Hemphill, Pete and Wes track Zayday’s location down to the Wailing House on Shady Lane. Equipped with spy equipment and no flashlights, the group go into the house in search of Zayday. They split up into two groups, with Wes going with the kids and Hemphill going with GiGi. The power suddenly goes off and we get a re-enactment of the iconic night-vision scene from Silence of the Lambs. Officer Hemphill tasers GiGi’s boobs on accident, but GiGi recovers and tasers The Red Devil in the throat. Hemphill rushes to find the others, but when they return, GiGi survived another attack and The Red Devil disappeared. Hemphill searches the house and doesn’t find the killer or Zayday, which she thinks is suspicious.

Back at the Kappa Kappa Tau mansion, Chanel Oberlin is having the vote for president right now, a right she has after writing it in the rule book in red marker. The girls don’t want to vote yet because everyone is not accounted for, but Oberlin commands them to put a white marble in the box for her and a black marble in the box for Zayday. Before they can vote, Zayday shows up and is not acting herself. She recounts her visit with The Red Devil, saying that he gave her gifts, flowers and cooked her dinner. She pretended to want to sleep with him and managed to stab a knife through his hand, pinning him to the table and making it possible for her to escape. Grace shows up seconds later, reunites with her friend, and the voting begins…

Across town, GiGi is walking home when The Red Devil pops up behind her. She is calm and collected and tells The Red Devil, “He’s gotta go,” before sending him off into the night.

Michael DeFellipo

(Senior Editor)

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