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(Guest Post) National Resurrect Romance Week Was Built for Return of the Living Dead 3

Posted by Jon Learns at on Learns From Movies

Originally Posted Here

National Resurrect Romance Week

Happy National Resurrect Romance Week. That’s right, the week of August 14th through the 20th is dedicated to the resurrection of romance. I would imagine the people who created this week are the owners of greeting card companies, florists, chocolate makers and fine dining establishments; envisioning a late summer boost in business six months removed from their greatest creation – Valentine’s Day. The week seems designed to suck money out of people who think a fancy date will resurrect their dying romance. I’m sure there are hundreds of romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper, but that would be a completely different blog. Instead of resurrecting my own romance (joke’s on you flower cartel, my romance doesn’t need flowers or resurrecting), I watched Return Of the Living Dead III.

The Movie

Return of the Living Dead III opens at a military research center where a group of colonels and scientists are attempting to turn zombies into undead super-soldiers. This is never a good idea. We are then introduced to the film’s star-crossed lovers, Julie, a bit of a masochist, and her boyfriend, Curt, who is all too willing to do anything she wants. They are young and the relationship is new so how could they need to resurrect their romance? Well you’ll see. Date night for these two crazy kids entails the theft of Colonel Reynolds’ id badge and an illicit trip to the base to sneak around the air ducts. Colonel Reynolds is also Curt’s dad. Julie is in awe of the base as if she has never seen dimly lit halls and air vents before. Before long though, the kids stumble upon a scientist throwing body parts into a furnace to be cremated. Now Julie is really excited and they plunge further into the ducts. Finally, they reach the lab where the actual testing is occurring. As the kids and Colonel Reynolds and his peers look on, the scientists in the lab successfully reanimate a corpse using Trioxin gas. They immediately paralyze the zombie with some magic freeze bullet. Curt and Julie sneak off but they miss the real fireworks. The paralysis does not hold and the test subject breaks free and bites a doctor. The remaining doctors are able refreeze the zombie and begin to restrain him completely ignoring their bitten colleague in the corner. Bad move. The bitten scientist dies and reanimates and attacks his former science buddies. The base commences containment protocols. Clearly Colonel Reynolds’ experiment has not been successful and his future in the growing field of zombie super soldier research is in jeopardy.

Back home, Julie is exhilarated and more than a little horny. Curt has seemingly resurrected the romance and they have incredible sex. In the aftermath of their carnal delights, Julie still cannot get the zombie off her mind. There fun is ruined when Colonel Dad comes home and tells Curt he needs to speak with him “alone. In my office.” The colonel definitely does not like Julie. The Colonel tells Curt that he is being reassigned to Oklahoma City in the wake of his failure. Curt, much like Kevin Durant, has no interest in living in Oklahoma City and tells his dad that he is not going. They argue and Curt and Julie speed off on Curt’s motorcycle. Curt is not driving safely and Julie does not encourage him to slow down. Instead, still turned on by her zombie experience, grabs Curt’s little soldier and kisses his neck. Curt loses control… of the bike and crashes throwing Julie headfirst into a pole, breaking her neck and killing her. Curt is distraught but he devises a plan to resurrect his romance once again. Curt manages to sneak dead Julie onto the base and with the stolen id badge enters the trioxin lab and brings Julie back. In the process, he also manages to release a really juicy zombie from a barrel. Curt and Julie manage to escape but the poor under-armed security guard does not. You would think that a soldier on a base working in zombie technology would have better weapons. The young lovers are not very stealthy and security cameras spot them. Colonel Dad and the military issue an APB for Curt and Julie who flee to the only place to upper class white kids can feel safe- South Central Los Angeles.

Curt and Julie’s first order of business as zombie Bonnie and Clyde is to get her some food because she’s hungry. They find a bodega and Julie begins gorging herself on snacks like any good stoned person. In doing so, she attracts the attention of a group of Hispanic tough guys and a girl. You know they are tough guys because they threaten the kids and use words like esay. Curt tries to diffuse the situation but then accidentally bumps the leader. The ensuing scuffle is broken up by the Korean clerk but while his back is turned one of the tough guys is emptying the cash register. The clerk catches him but is shot. The tough guys run off but not before Julie bites one of them. She now knows what will satiate her overpowering hunger. Curt and Julie leave and are in the process of stealing a van when the wounded clerk begs them to drive him to the hospital. Being the good samaritan that he is, Curt loads the clerk in the back of the van just as the cops show up. Curt drives off with the cops in pursuit. The police begin to shoot at the van and kill the clerk. Julie, in the front seat is exploring her masochistic tendencies by sticking herself with needles but not for long. While Curt is looking for an escape, Julie climbs in the back and starts eating the clerk’s brain and now she knows exactly what her new favorite food is. Curt and Julie manage to escape into the sewers and storm drains of the Los Angeles River, leaving the soon to be undead clerk in the van. The police find the van but one of them is killed by the clerk before the military shows up to spread their containment protocols.

Date night gets even worse as Julie and Curt have a fight and Julie storms off. When Curt finds her, Julie is perched on the edge of a bridge ready to jump. Despite his words, which include telling her that he liked her better when she was alive, Julie jumps. The tough guys are not faring any better. The leader has become obsessed with getting revenge on Julie for biting his friend and won’t take him to a hospital until he finds her. The guy is dying in the backseat but South Central Ahab needs to catch his whale. Curt is searching the river for Julie now assisted by a homeless guy he meets in a drain pipe. The homeless guy, soon to be named Riverman, advises Curt to go home as there is no way Julie survived her leap. Curt is persistent and finds Julie but for some reason she still doesn’t want anything to do with him. Just as she seems to be warming to Curt again, the tough guys show up shouting threats. Riverman leads the kids into his sewer hideout. While all this is going on, Colonel Dad has been removed from the search and replaced by his bitchy rival Colonel Sinclair but dad keeps searching with a group of soldiers. Curt and his new friend Riverman leave Julie to rest while they have a deep meaningful conversation. Curt seems to be taking the talk to heart when Riverman reminds him that he is taking advice from a guy who lives in a sewer. Instead of resting, Julie has begun to experiment with piercing and body modification with objects she finds in the sewer. This cannot be very sanitary but I guess if you’re a zombie you don’t have to worry about dysentery. Curt comes to check on her and they do it in the sewer while Julie stabs herself with a sharp piece of metal. Curt falls asleep because he is a man in a movie who just had sex and Julie furthers her body modification with a rusty razor she found. The tough guys have now caught up to the trio and beat poor Riverman trying to get him to tell where Curt and Julie are. Curt comes to his rescue but he’s not much of a fighter and gets overwhelmed. The leader demands that Julie show herself and when she does it is a much different Julie. She is now pierced, goth, Super Zombie Julie and the leader is smitten. He has now determined that he will get his revenge through sex and he goes off with her while his friend succumbs to his wound. Sex with Julie is not quite what Ahab may have expected as it now seems to entail having your spine pulled out. Even though she has saved them, Curt is still mad at Julie. Their date night is ruined and it only gets worse but that’s all I’m telling you.

How It Fits In With the Day/Why Did I Chose This Movie

Return of the Living Dead III is all about resurrecting romance and the complications involved. It’s not as simple as roses, candy, dinner, weekend getaways or any of that crap. It’s hard work and learning to adapt to one another. Curt doesn’t need flowers to rekindle the passion in his relationship with Julie. All he needs is a stolen id card and some Trioxin. There are not many movies that fit National Resurrect Romance Week any better.

Lessons

  • Keep the military and probably the government out of zombie science. They will only want to find ways to weaponize zombies without figuring out appropriate methods to contain and control the zombie soldiers.
  • Resurrect romance, not bodies. Your girlfriend will not be the same if you use Trioxin to bring her back from the dead. In fact, she will probably eat your friends and eventually you.
  • Hospitals before revenge. No matter how badly you want to get the woman that bit your friend, you should take him for treatment first. Especially if he’s dying in the backseat of your car.
  • DO NOT tell your girlfriend that you liked her better when she was alive. Accept that the changes in her life have been major and highly traumatic. Give her time to adjust to the new situation and maybe she will go back to her old self – only dead.

Michael DeFellipo

(Senior Editor)

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