Blu Review – Bikini Jones & All Babe Network (Retromedia)

Blu Release – 3/5

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros
Director – Fred Olen Ray (Scalps, The Alien Dead)
Starring – Christine Nguyen (Get Him to the Greek, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner), Heather Vandeven (Pleasure Spa, Badass!), and Rebecca Love (The Hills Have Thighs, The Departed)
Release Date – 2010
Rating – 2/5

Fred Olen Ray is a filmmaker unlike any other. His career has spanned since the late 70s with his helming several iconic horror films through the 80s and early 90s before slowly shifting into the softcore parodies. I love a good sleazy flick but Ray really turned me into a fan with his horror titles. With that being said, I’ll never turn down a chance to see nudity. A few weeks ago my friends over at Makeflix was doing a 30 day pre-order for a new Retromedia blu release. This double feature included Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros along with All Babe Network. I went ahead and snagged it and couldn’t wait to spin it.

**Spoiler Alert** The film follows Dr. Jones (Nguyen) who is tasked with stealing a totem from an evil millionaire. The totem is said to show the location of the lost temple of Eros and legend states that whoever wears the tiara found in the temple controls all it’s fortune. She is able to steal it and cypher the totem to discover where the lost temple is but Evilla is hot on her tail and wants the fortune for herself. **Spoiler Alert**

I didn’t expect Bikini Jones to be a masterpiece but I was hoping for a sleazy good time. However, the movie was short on story and oddly lacking energy during the sex scenes. It’s not often I find myself bored during a softcore flick but Bikini Jones did it. It was clearly a rushed cash cow on the Indiana Jones name.

The acting in this one is exactly what you would expect from a softcore porn parody of Indiana Jones. Surprisingly, I enjoyed the characters we were given and the cast delivers a little better performances than you would find in a Sy-Fy original. Nguyen could take over the world with her smile and she did a great job as Bikini Jones. The entire cast goes all in but their sex scenes are sexy but super dull even for a softcore flick. Honestly, a SFW print could be made of this one and it would be a lot better than it is.

The story for this one is an obviously cheap parody of Indiana Jones that takes the caves and adventure out of the story and puts it in luxury apartments and the bed. It’s unoriginal and even the sleazy aspect feels forced.

Finally, no blood or gore in this one. A lot of skin and a CGI dinosaur are the only things to focus your eyes on. The skin is nice and the dinosaur, not so much. Overall, Bikini Jones was not as fun as I was hoping for. The bodies looked nice but the story was not as wild and exciting as I had hoped for. Sadly, this is one I would skip.

All Babe Network
Director – Dean McKendrick (Atomic Hotel Erotica, Intergalactic Swingers)
Starring – Mary Carey (Lust in Space, College Coeds vs Zombie Housewives), Christine Nguyen (Attack of the Killer Donuts, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner), and Jazy Berlin (3-Headed Shark Attack, Erotic Vampires in Beverly Hills)
Release Date – 2013
Rating – 3/5

Horror fans are so funny. I’ve been writing reviews for a decade now and eight of those years have been spent with Horror Society. During that time I’ve reviewed more horror titles than I can count along with an assortment of non-genre releases. Horror Society has some of the best readers on the internet but I’ve always found it odd and very funny that my horror reviews rarely get noticed but when I review something sleazy I find it becoming popular on the site for a short time. Sometimes these reviews will garner several thousands of views in a short period of time.

While some people feel the need to comment things like “this isn’t horror” a lot of you read the article and then move on to the next sleazy article on the site. Sex sells and even horror fans are buying. When Retromedia announced the 30 day pre-order on Makeflix for their double feature Bikini Jones and All Babe Network I was quick to jump on it. Bikini Jones was a bit of a disappointment but All Babe Network was worth the price.

**Spoiler Alert** The film follows a struggling television station that is in need of trimming some fat so to speak when the manger of the station decides to target the host of a show called Hoax Hunter. She tells him to pick up his ratings or face termination. He works with his extremely attractive girlfriend to make the show look better but the manager of the station continues to sabotage his show. One last effort to raise ratings, he does a live Bigfoot hunting segment and when his girlfriend goes topless on the air he finds his ratings skyrocketing. **Spoiler Alert**

I went into All Babe Network with an open mind and a prayer that the movie was somewhat entertaining. I was surprised to see just how much I enjoyed this one. It reminded me of a sleazy parody of a movie you would find that was direct to video in the mid-90s. It was so goofy and sexy. It was a lot of fun but I don’t see myself watching this one again.

The acting in this one is exactly what you would expect from a cast consisting mostly of adult film stars and Penthouse models. The characters are fun, nice to look at, but you don’t really take anything away from the film. The story for this one reminded me a lot of movies like Chairman of the Board and VHF meets softcore. We follow a goofy guy who is struggling to hold his job while softcore sex scenes pop up sporadically here and there. Honestly, I had a lot of fun with it.

Finally, we get a cheap bigfoot costume but that’s the extent of the effects in this one. However, if the female form is more your speed then you are in luck. Overall, All Babes Network is a few cheap laughs and a lot of skin. It entertains especially if you are in a sleazy mood but don’t expect a life changing experience.

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Written by Blacktooth

(Staff Writer) Lover of all things horror and metal. Also likes boobs and booze.

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