[WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!]
[ALSO, I’M BOLDING ANYTHING THAT’S A SCREAM MOVIE FRANCHISE REFERENCE]
Ok, so I’m back… This time I’m recapping episode two of “Scream: The TV Series” instead of giving it a review. Last week, the show executively produced by Wes Craven debuted to disastrous numbers on MTV, barely scraping by a million viewers during its first airing. Obviously, people are just not into this show, so I figured it would be better if I did a television recap. That way you guys can read what happened and save yourself the forty-five minute non-canonical madness.
Episode two opens with the “scandalous viral video” from last week, this time letting viewers know that the video was removed from the internet due to content. Again, I’m not sure how two high school girls making out in a PG manner is scandalous and how 750 views is viral, but I digress. Rachel, the blonde woman in the lesbian relationship, is having a hard time dealing with all the trolls and negative comments she’s receiving, especially at the hands of all of her catholic school classmates. Luckily, Audrey, who I’m dubbing “butch Sydney” for right now, calls just as Rachel begins to self mutilate in her bedroom. Rachel’s spirits are brightened briefly, but Audrey starts acting strangely and tells Rachel that she’s on the balcony waiting for her. To anyone familiar with Scream, it becomes obvious that the person on the phone is not Audrey, but Ghostface using the voice changer from the third film. Before she knows it, Rachel gets a noose wrapped around her neck and Ghostface hangs her from the balcony.
…Scream! Woooosh! Shiiiiiink!
When we come back from commercial break we’re introduced to Piper Shay, an internet journalist and host of podcast “Autopsy of A Crime.” Piper is clearly meant to be the new version of Gale Weathers, but she’s definitely more personable and warm…at least for now! Piper is covering the murder of Nina Patterson, the girl stabbed and thrown in the pool last episode, as well as the disappearance of Tyler O’Neil. The fact that Tyler O’Neil is classified as “missing” means that Ghostface took his head from the crime scene for some reason. A huge memorial has been erected for Nina around Lakewood High School even though she was a big bitch and a super whore and everyone hated her. This proves realistic as most high schoolers are sheep anyway. The main girls – Emma, Brooke and Riley – have a girl’s meeting with Riley playing mediator in mending Emma and Brooke’s friendship after Brooke failed to tell Emma that her somewhat boyfriend, Will, slept with Nina before her death. Like, totally! That whole last sentence hurt my brain.
The whole town is still talking about Brandon James, Lakewood’s infamous mass murderer from twenty years prior. Has he returned? Speaking of Brandon James, Sheriff Clark is interviewing suspects in the case and he’s currently with Noah, or “Randy 2.0.” Noah is a prime suspect due to his obsession with horror films, horror television, serial killers and prior correspondence with Brandon James’ family. He is momentarily let off the hook by Sheriff Clark (who looks like “Charmed” whitelight Brian Krause), but he isn’t let off the hook by “Billy 2.0,” Tom, who is super mad that someone spray painted “doosh” on his truck. If you remember, I barely did, Tom and other jocks put an inebriated Noah on a raft and almost drowned him. Spelling mistakes aside, Noah did a pretty good job getting revenge and it is revealed that the red on his forehead at the end of last week’s episode was spray paint, not blood.
Then things get boring. #Boring, for the younger viewers. The love triangle between Emma with Will and Kieran grows. Emma talks awkwardly with Audrey again. Bla bla bla. Oh, finally, something good! In between periods, or I guess I should say classes… All of the students at Lakewood High suddenly get a .gif of Ghostface standing over Nina’s body with the words “Payback’s A Bitch” blinking in big red letters. Yes, it is certainly safe to say that a serial killer is on the loose. Thank you for confirming. Sheriff Clark is already on the case and he, Mayor Quinn and Emma’s mom, Maggie, have a discussion about the town’s dark history and the repercussions a serial killer could have on its economic growth and popularity. Speaking of Maggie, she’s also the town’s mortician and she has definitive proof that Rachel was murdered and not another suicide statistic. We, of course, already know this because Ghostface moved Rachel’s body into the living room after hanging her from the balcony. That now makes two dead teenagers and one “missing.” DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN!!!!!
We head back to the school again and writers use English Lit class to talk about scary movies and serial killers’ motives again. It’s highlighted with intensive violin music and way too many contemplative faces from the background extras. Randy 2.0…erm, Noah, sit down already! Just stahp. Everyone at Lakewood High is going to have an extremely high phone bill this month as another mass text message goes out reporting on the death of Rachel. Audrey finally finds out that her girlfriend is dead and takes off. Everyone is sad. It’s not a good day for anyone. Emma blames herself for helping to record the video in the first place. She takes off, too, and heads to the women’s room where she hides in the corner as other high school girl’s talk about how “tragic” it all is, much in the same way as Sydney’s bathroom scene in Scream. One thing that does go her way today, though, is meeting Piper. Emma meets her at the coffee shop, where she works, and the duo have a much friendlier meeting than the time Sydney sucker punched Gale in the face.
Emma’s night eventually turns to shit when she has to take the garbage out to the back alley behind the coffee shop. You see where this is going, right? Ghostface starts chasing her through the alley and she escapes, but not before running straight into Will. “What are you doing here?” See anything familiar here? Another homage, this time to Sydney’s moments post first attack in Scream. Will is able to calm Emma down and asks her to come see him play in the basketball game tomorrow. His dad is stressing him out. His coach is stressing him out. Life is soooooo tough when you’re in high school. Lakewood High wins the basketball game and I’m just so thrilled by this. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if Will’s delicate, hormonal psyche was smashed by this insignificant loss. And, speaking of loss, Noah loses something when he is lured by Riley to the empty football field behind the high school. His… v-card! Yay for Noah! Randy never got the girl in Scream! This means he’ll die for sure, but for now he gets it in and everyone is happy for him. At the same time the love triangle with Emma, Will and Kieran grows after Will kisses Emma in front of Kieran. Like soooooooooo much drama! Omgr!
The episode ends with Emma, who I’m dubbing “trendy Sydney” from now on, after the game and home alone. Her back door swings open and that sends a distress call to the home’s alarm agency. The alarm people call and tell Emma that help is on the way and the caller offers to stay on the line with her until an officer arrives. It quickly becomes apparent that the caller is really Ghostface and that he’s inside the house with her. Ghostface, sounding 50% like the original voice actor, proceeds to tell Emma that everyone in her life is fake and using her, but it’s all going to end…with her.
