[Warning: Spoilers Inside!]
I can’t believe some of the things I have written down. This means that I can’t believe some of the things I actually saw on-screen. Um… For those of you who don’t know, Piranha 3DD is actually released, both in a limited release to theaters and as a rental on Facebook and Amazon Instant Video. Um… I thought it was promising at the beginning. Gary Busey is the opening kill and really, who wouldn’t want to see the Predator 2 star get eaten by prehistoric piranhas? But then this movie just gets sillier, and sillier; much more so than the first film.
Piranha 3DD follows a huge water park, Big Wet, as it opens its doors for the summer. Big Wet is really popular – men pay a medium price, women pay less than the price of a movie ticket, and women with huge breasts don’t pay at all! Since the first film, Lake Victoria had a huge extinction plan enacted to combat the piranhas. This combined with the bad press has left Lake Victoria a ghost town. But that doesn’t mean all the piranhas are gone. Traveling through a series of underground lakes and rivers, the piranhas have been attracted to the water park by the outpour of chemicals in the drainage pipes. It becomes feeding time once again!
Piranha 3DD is directed by John Gulager and written by Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan, and Joel Soisson. Alexandre Lehmann is the director of photography and Martin Bernfield and Devin C. Lussier are editors. David Beavis is the special effects supervisor. Piranha 3DD stars Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Chris Zylka, and Katrina Bowden. The film also features appearances by David Hasselhoff, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and Paul Scheer.
Ok, where to begin… Yeah, you know this movie was just silly. From a fart from a dead horse awakening the piranha eggs, to the lifeguards being fired for strippers, a guy fucking the suction hose of a pool – I guess these were meant to be comedic elements in the film, but mostly these would only apply as such for an audience of immature people or minors. There is one scene, for example, where all measure of common sense is thrown out the window, even for a movie of this standard. Firstly, ladies, how would you not know there is a prehistoric fish swimming around in your vagina? Guys, if there was a prehistoric fish on your dick, would you slice off your dick or just stab the fish? I’m watching this scene and I’m thinking this is completely horrible, I’d never do that.
As far as the acting goes, everyone did a really good job, surprisingly. I was sad to see that, while they do appear, the characters played by Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames were not as prominent as they were in the first film. It was also kind of weird seeing Ving Rhames play a scared, pathetic, complainer this time around. A complete 180 from all his other characters! I was hoping to see my favorite “Scream Queen” Sierra Holmes, but wasn’t able to spot her…I think. Whomever did casting did a really good job too, and the two leads were definitely my favorite characters in the film. Also, interestingly, David Hasselhoff plays himself in Piranha 3DD and he even gets a spot to showcase his singing abilities. For whatever reason, The Hoff has a string of hit albums in Austria and Germany.
I think my biggest issue with this film is the climax. There isn’t really one. The film is only an hour and ten minutes long before credits. There is a little nibble here, a little nibble there, and just as the gorefest begins, someone blows up the pipes and the movie is over. I was hoping for a longer massive attack scene and a better showdown scene. I feel like that is what people actually watch the movie for. No one wants to see Piranha 3DD for character development, or themes that will change your life, or things of that nature. People want to see Piranha 3DD for the boobs, the gore, and the action! While it had PLENTY of boobs, Piranha 3DD lacked some gore and a lot of action.
I guess I can’t really complain that much. I did purchase this for $6.99 knowing exactly what would be on my computer screen. Luckily for Piranha 3DD it does cater to its fan base in a big way. My displeasure for the film can be summed up simply – Piranha 3DD is a prime example of a sequel that did not live up to the expectations of the first film.
