March 17, 2009 — Los Angeles, CA. Many are billing Ms. Vampy as America’s newest, sexiest and funniest vampire, but the horror world is buzzing with speculation over her true identity. ”This is all very mysterious,” said a local horror fan. ”We just don’t know who she really is, and no one will tell us. We do know that ‘Ms. Vampy’ is an alias, though.”
Until this mystery is solved, authorities are asking the public for help and ask anyone with information on her identity to contact them. “We can’t just let scantily clad, anonymous vampires run loose in Los Angeles, we need the public’s help,” said a Los Angeles Detective. Internet chat boards are now exploding with guesses as to who she really is. Some say Marisa Tomei, while others claim it’s Brinke Stevens in disguise.
The Ms. Vampy mystery began late Sunday night as word leaked out that she and a few of her “horror” friends filmed some funny sketches at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in Hollywood. The tapes have yet to surface and calls to the production crew at the Villa asking them to corroborate the filming, and to identify Ms. Vampy have not been returned.
Lawyers filed an emergency ”freedom of information” motion earlier this morning in Superior Court, but the judge has yet to rule. But authorities say there’s hope, as the relentless investigation has uncovered some concrete details. Ms. Vampy lives in a villa, wears pleather and fur, has fangs, wild hair, bodacious tatas and an unmistakable east coast accent. Sources describe her personality as funny, sarcastic, high maintenance, boy crazy, and a mix of Paris Hilton meets My Cousin Vinny. “We’re on her blood trail, we’ll get her soon,” said Governor Schwarzenegger.
Finally, Internet reports suggest Ms. Vampy has agreed to come out of hiding and expose her identity on the 29th of March when she guest hosts HorrorMovieFans.com’s Indie Horror Radio Show with Parrish Randall. Reports claim that show producer, Andrew Rose and host, Parrish Randall refuse to comment on the subject of Ms. Vampy.
Until then, authorities pledge to stay on the case and keep the public safe.