Kids Go to the Woods… Kids Get Dead
Written/Directed by Michael Hall
Frankly, I cannot fathom a movie title that could possibly sound more stupid than "Kids Go to the Woods… Kids Get Dead." Choosing a title like that is a suicidal marketing technique. Sure, it’s to the point, but does it garner any intrigue? The important thing the viewer must do is accept that campy title and keep that mindset for the rest of the film.
The film begins with the notion that it was recorded over home movies and/or old TV recordings. Weren’t we all guilty of that about 20 years ago? Yup, check. The viewing experience of Kids Get Dead was to be like those old flicks we used to watch on late-night TV, with a "horror host with the most" tickling our funny bones to lighten things up between commercial breaks. The problem? This horror hostess we’re subjected to at the frequency of around 13-minute intervals (give or take) is downright irritating: "Midnight Movie Madness with Candy Adams at Hell Gate Social." Basically, she sucked on a lollipop and made bad jokes that weren’t even corny – they just made her out to be a ditz. Give us something to work with! Maybe I’m too loyal to the Elvira mystique, who knows. They could’ve cut half of these time wasters out, which seemed like a way to lengthen the film into appearing to be feature-length. Sometimes the breaks came after only 5 minutes! Very distracting.
A group of kids drive up to the woods (Betcha have NO idea what’s going to happen!) for Casey’s birthday with plans of sex, drugs and partying. The kids: the dumb party animal couple, the lesbian couple, the angry horndog, the tragically nerdy brother & his brooding sister Casey (Leah Rudick), whose character fits the "Final Girl" stereotype. Everything about this film is entirely predictable, starting from the title itself! However, predictability is an important factor in how the sequences of events are carried out. The younger brother, Scott (cleverly played by Andrew Waffenschmidt), reads a book on the trip titled, wait for it – "Kids Go to the Woods… Kids Get Dead." The book (handmade cover including a drawing of the killer!) outlines all the events of their trip, with each chapter becoming a reality. It starts out funny, with their cabin’s owner, "Uncle Bill," driving away in every hippie’s trademark vehicle, the VW bus, only to immediately get offed by the killer in the woods. Now, if Uncle Bill LIVES here in the woods, why would he suddenly get killed driving down his normal road, as opposed to any other day? The likelihood is pretty nil.
There are a few funny moments in the movie, one being a girl’s response when her party animal boyfriend gets killed during intimacy. She’d begged him not to let "stuff" (trying to be polite here) get on her face, which at that moment her boyfriend gets murdered, but her eyes are closed. So, when the blood sprays all over her, she screams, "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!" and runs to the bathroom. The killer follows her in there and smashes her head in the bathroom mirror, only to leave multiple giant, wobbling shards sticking straight out of her face, resulting in a terribly comical effect. Another great but silly kill is when a girl gets her face slammed into the campfire, and in that second, her entire face is suddenly char-broiled black. Pretty ridiculous stuff but they do bring about a few chuckles.
The best part about the movie is Andrew Waffenschmidt’s young Scott character. Very likeable nerd who rather resembles a young Rainn Wilson. My favorite scene was his "getting to know you" conversation with the disgruntled jock who’d failed miserably with his attempts to shag Scott’s older sister. Scott explains his own relationship situation, as being: "My dwarf has a thing going on with an elf in a RPG game, she lives in Brazil and speaks Portuguese…but like I said, it’s nothing serious." He then expresses interest in their friend Robin, completely oblivious to the fact that she is a lesbian and is sharing a bed with her girlfriend at that very moment.
The so-so character development is something that can be overlooked if the killer is interesting. When it boils down to it, that’s the thing that annoyed me the most about Kids Get Dead…this guy has to be THE most boring killer ever filmed on camera. Performed by Joseph Campellone, the killer’s only standout props are highly unimaginative: a gas mask over a black knit face mask and an air tank on his back. He bears no demeanor or personality in his gait. He just walks. Despite being a big guy, he carries no air of threat or fear. He’s just… there, for whatever reason.
The first time I viewed Kids Go to the Woods… Kids Get Dead, I really hated it. I like to watch films a few times before I review them, to make sure my initial mood wasn’t being a negative factor. Well, with each viewing, I liked the film a tad more and it’s slightly grown on me. It’s not a good film by any means, but it’s certainly not the worst. I appreciate the work that was put into it and realize they just wanted a fun, campy slasher to emulate the goodies we grew up watching on channels such as USA Up All Night (which was my fave). It just felt a bit generic to me. Very generic. Nothing new or entirely likeable. Thank god for "Scott" and his dwarf-elf romance, who basically stole the lead character role from Leah Rudick. I’d really like to see him again, especially in a comedy.
Lastly, I’d like to note the great song played during the end credits. Gutteral riffs, punks screaming "The Eyes of the Psychopath," which reminds me of TAD or some other Sub Pop band from my high school years. The band is called Statues of Liberty. Going to have to look them up!
Kids Get Dead, a decent low-budget flick to watch while drinking with friends, reflecting on the past and how the age of the static-riddled TV host experience is pretty much dead, thanks to the demise of analog TV. R.I.P.
