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TWILIGHT (2008): Reviewed by Bryan Schuessler

Twilight was directed by Catherine Hardwicke and the screenplay written by Melissa Rosenberg. I went went and saw this film with my family. It was double-feature night (once we decided to sneak into it after already paying for and seeing Bolt) as the price of movies is getting too large for me to handle. I see now why so many people are running to the internet to watch shitty bootlegged copies. I save the big screen for films that I really want to see badly. Anyone out there want to pay me to write reviews??? I thought not.

The film Twilight, based off of the mega best-selling books by Stephenie Meyer (which I have not read, but may plan to) was difficult to swallow. Why, you ask? It was difficult to swallow because I love the history and lore of the vampire and Twilight shattered all those truisms that I had read and thought I understood. In all my reading, I have never encountered the vampire that can hang out in the daylight, or in the case of the vamps from the Pacific Northwest, a constantly over-cast day, sprinkled with a dismal and rainy mist.

Lets get to the plot of the film before I pick it apart. Bella (Kristen Stewart) decides to live with her biological father when her mom remarries and moves from Phoenix, Arizona, where they were currently residing, to Florida to live with her new husband. Bella moves out to Forks, Washington and moves in with her father, who just happens to be a police officer. It rains everyday in Washington and they even nicknamed the mist that falls incessantly, calling it “spit”. My good friend lives in the Seattle area and told me this. I’m going to take his word about this since I have never visited Washington. I plan to though. If for no other reason than to see my friend. Anyways, so Bella starts living there and happens to fall for one of the local bloodsuckers.

The vampires in this film are fashionable, “cool”, gothic, and have their own little click. She falls for one in particular, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) when she happens to be his lab partner in chemistry and Edward is drawn to her smell like a fat girl to Cinnabons! The movie was interesting to watch, in a WTF AM I DOING WATCHING THIS CRAP, sort of way. It was like watching a GAP, Banana Republic, and Versace ad with a gothic edge all rolled-up in one. Each scene played out like a mini-music video. It definitely was for the fans of the books. I probably would have enjoyed it more if I had read them. One thing I noticed is the use of the colors they used in the film. Being something primarily filmed in Washington (and parts of Oregon), there were a lot of blues, grays, and greens. The cinematography was very stylized and MTV-ish. It was exactly what I was expecting.

There was not much blood. It was PG-13 so what did I expect? The best part was seeing the vampires playing a nice friendly game of BASEBALL??? WTF? Those vampires sure did latch on to America’s favorite past-time! I was expecting them to then head out to Dairy Queen to get some ice cream and sundaes afterwards. But these vegetarian vamps would probably prefer a latte and soy burger. Yeah, they are vegetarians. Go figure. The movie primarily focuses on Bella and Edward’s romance.

The focus group for this film is fat goth chicks and 14-year old girls that now think vampires are totally cool and kinda nice, and not the blood-thirsty, sexual, and savage monsters cinema and myths have portrayed them as for hundreds of years. I think someone has to make a violent and gory vampire tale to redeem the genre and put this kiddie, trendy vamp flick back to its grave (even though there is not one grave or casket shown in this movie because they really are not true VAMPS!).

The movie was all fluff and absolutely no substance. If one wants to rent a real vampire flick, go rent Romero’s Martin, Tomas Alfredson’s Let the Right One In David Slade’s 30 Days of Night, Steven Norrington’s Blade, or Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

I think that Fright Night and The Lost Boys packed more punch than any scene in Twilight.